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APR 22 2024: im trying to stay off social media but i keep seeing posts from people who play dnd regularly. i have always wanted to play it so bad but i never got to. in quarantine me and my friends were supposed to have a campaign together and i made a character who was an old orc man with a name that i later learned is an antisemitic slur. the campaign fell through for reasons completely unrelated to the name and i still haven't had a chance to use that character yet. i remember rolling for his stats and getting so many 1s and 2s in a row that he's basically a useless sack of shit. i changed his name since then. he's still sitting in a coma in my nightstand until his adventure comes. and no one ever got to see the penis i gave him.

in the meantime i've been reading those old dnd books. the very old ones from like the 70s and 80s and shit. classic stuff. id love to go on one of these campaigns. i love the big eyeball guys. witnessers or whatever the fuck. i wanna have the experience of this truly imaginative gameplay but it evades me.

MAR 8 2024: i was doomed from the age of 3. maybe 4. i can't remember exactly how old i was. all i remember was the orange gi, the spiky hair, the cream yellow nimbus cutting across the blue television sky, watching the first sunset of my life with my father on the corniche and learning that the sun really does move, blue wristbands, the taste of peach danone thick on my tongue, yamcha's battle scars, mcdonalds fries, cha la head cha la, and the real life almost-television-blue moroccan sky that i kept a close eye on just in case the yellow nimbus crossed over.

something happened to me that summer in morocco. i wasn't a real person. then i watched dragon ball, and all of a sudden, i was. every action i have taken in my life since then has been in service of dragon ball, the thing that gave me sentience. i've gone down some wrong paths, but i have always found my way back out.

many things from your childhood grow and change with you. for me, that has been stuff like spongebob, which i have found new appreciation for in adulthood. avatar, which i don't really care as much about anymore. power rangers, which is almost impossible for me to watch now, but which i still appreciate from a distance. not dragon ball. never dragon ball. it is the one thing that refuses to change, whether i want it to or not. no matter how old i am, when i sit down in front of the screen to watch anything from dragon ball, dragon ball z, or even sometimes dragon ball gt. whether it's in english, arabic, japanese, or french. whether it's the kikuchi score or the faulconer score. it never grows with me. rather, it turns me into a child. every time, without fail.

when i'm not watching dragon ball, i find it easy to criticize. "what about this plot hole?" "what about this contrivance?" "why is this part paced like this?" "the animation in this episode so janky!" but dragon ball has an immunity. a power that takes hold of me whenever i am once again entranced by its majesty. all criticism turns to dust. no matter how long the goku vs frieza fight is, i watch it unabridged. every single time. "why is this part paced like this?" because it must be. it justifies itself. this is a fight between one of the final members of a genocided race and the orchestrator of the genocide. it would be an insult to reduce it to a two episode ordeal.

sometimes i worry about the power dragon ball has over me. certainly, there is an argument that it holds me back. that this unbreakable tether keeps me from properly moving on into adulthood. i was ruined from childhood when dragon ball became not just my reason for life, but my life. maybe there is some scientific explanation. that i "imprinted" on something i perceived to be a third parent. what does it matter? no woman i have ever made love to has ever inspired in my heart the ecstasy i feel when i hear the dragon ball movie guitar track. no sunset i have witnessed has ever shaken the bedrock of my soul as the sunset on the moroccan atlantic.

now, i am a "writer". who doesn't write? we are all writers. no. i am a man on a mission. a mission encoded into my being when i was 3 or 4 years old. i have to make art. the art doesn't have to be popular, it just needs to have the potential. the potential to hypnotize a child and breathe life into them the way life was breathed into me 2 decades ago. i am, essentially, on a God-given mission to ruin a child's life the way my life was ruined. and maybe, to ruin some adults' lives too. is that an honourable goal? on the surface, it seems that i just want to make a fun story that children will love. but what i want is more than that. i want people out there to feel what i feel. to be moved to tears at the sight of a yellow cloud or the taste of a peach yogurt drink. to be brought to their knees at the sound of an ambient synthesizer or an ocean wave.

that's not to say i only make art for kids, or that i wanna tap into the manchild market. rather, i want to make manchildren out of men. i want to pass on the spirit. the breath. the word. of course, i also want desperately to communicate with other adults on a genuine level. to be on the same level as them. and i'll keep on trying. but deep down, in the soul that i was gifted by akira toriyama, i know that my sunset won't ever end.

JAN 23 2024: i was so happy to be almost finished with my research when i discovered a 500 page sociology book and a 43 volume manga to add to the list of things i have to read. the sociology book i have to read the entirety of, that's not even a question. the 43 volume manga, idk. i might have to drop that at some point but i dont know where to drop it. why was this the one that had to be fully translated? meanwhile we don't even have a single chapter of ****** *******. thank god i got both snake skins in just an hour and a half so i can put fortnite down for the rest of the season and just grind this video out. really hoping for a february release. if it reaches march i might just lash myself with one of those blade whips the shias use.

DEC 23 2023: who else was up at 3:00 AM EST on this day? i will probably be up for 2 or 3 hours more. you know that feeling when youre vacuuming your room and everytime you think "im just gonna do this part and it's gonna take 5 minutes" but you end up vacuuming everything anyways and it takes 30 minutes? that is the feeling of researching for this vid. every time i think i wrapped up a section i find some new shit to learn about and i always get scared im gonna miss something if i dont read it thoroughly front to back. already the things i have left unfinished haunt me. what if i miss out on a crucial piece of information? it's like the fomo i get from a fortnite battle pass. this was the first battle pass i got since the one with doom guy, and i did it all for snake. peter is cool but i want snake and i want the 2nd snake skin to be old snake from mgs4. and i want them to add raiden sometime. why did fortnite have to make the game so much better when im so close to wrapping up this project? i wanna move on and work on other things i have planned but i love this subject im researching and i wanna spend time on it to do it justice.

also, honestly im not married to the idea of a chatroom in my website i just need to think of something better to put in its place for the time being.

DEC 8 2023: why did i put a chatroom here despite i have no audience? i miss chatango. it used to be on every anime site. great way to get to know weirdos.

anyways i put out my book today. mark december 8 2023 as the day i released my first novel. it's very messy. if i were to do it all over again right now, i would focus it a lot more. but then it wouldn't be the amateurish juvenile story that i love so much. and also i already scrapped and rewrote it 4 times and i just wanted to move on. the version i started writing in january 2021 is so different and so bad. im so happy i managed to rescue something out of the slop i was churning out back then. i can't believe it took me 2 years to put it out. i really thought i would've finished so many more books by now. there is so much to do and we have so little time.

NOV 27 2023: hola. soy tetsuo. i called myself saint deleter because i wanted an author name with 2 names but everybody calls me tetsuo. if youre reading this deep into the future then perhaps you have scrolled way way way down.