blog

NOV 1 2024: i fumbled a milf at work today. i completed the transaction too efficiently. i got her out of the store too fast. my priorities are becoming corporatized. the company colours spread across my soul like a symbiote. i no longer recognize the man i see in the mirror. he is cold, unfeeling, and he wants to sell me warranty.

i used to avoid my manager's attention by listening for the sound of his footsteps and maneuvering the halls like a weasel to minimize contact. i used to test out merchandise on the floor. i used to jerk off in the company bathroom. now i am the company bathroom. jerk off on me, oh noble customer. and if you get the 5 year warranty, you don't even have to wipe.

OCT 30 2024: THE GREAT DEMOCRATIC EDGING i met bill clinton today. i had to go to one of those "get out the vote" rallies for the harris-walz campaign because my job required me to. for the record, i never gave a shit about harris or walz or anyone that came before them. but bill clinton is a big name and this is a small town.

i arrived and everyone there was dressed in their tuesday best. harris-walz shirts. harris-walz hats. harris-walz signs. as if they were all afraid they would forget who they were voting for. one man wore a shirt that said in big bold letters: "fuck trump and fuck you for voting for him". he got a lot of compliments on it, probably because he wore it at the wrong event.

they were playing mix of several generations of pop music. motown. electropop. rnb (the new kind). but there was only one generation of people there. old. the few young people there were just the children of the old people there.

the lead-up to bill clinton saw a bunch of state and local politicians taking the podium to say things that everyone there already agreed with. a lot of "this is the most important election in our country's history." i really wish we would stop having those. a lot of "women's reproductive rights" which harris failed to protect 2 years ago. a lot of "worker's rights" but my job didn't stop fucking me after biden and harris got elected.

the most interesting part of the event, to me, is in the 15 minutes that took place between bill's arrival by bus and his eventual stepping out of it.

everyone knew bill would show up. it was what they all came for. the turnout wouldn't be nearly what it was if bill didn't say he was coming. it was only a matter of time.

3:54 PM. the police cars and motorcycles leading bill's bus can be seen from down the street. everyone cheers for the red and blue lights. the cheering sounds more like screaming because most of the people there are women. and those women are all baby boomers. bill was their president. his bus, a harris-walz-branded affair, pulls in to the sound of already by beyonce. as the bus pulls up to the podium, the song switches to abc by the jackson 5. it's the perfect roll out. a figure walks up to the bus door. the people are cheering. through the window, we see him. the people go wild. it's not bill clinton. it's some other guy who tells the bus driver to scoot forward a few feet.

3:55 PM. the guy motions for the bus driver to scoot forward a little bit more. at this point the "ABC! easy as 1-2-3!" chorus has already kicked in. there is still no sign of the billster. but it is at this point... that the bus driver has decided he's gone a few feet too far, and he decides to back up. ok. perfect bus positioning for optimum disembarkation. but now... for real this time... the door opens! the crowd goes wild! again! the guy who was telling the bus driver where to park gets off first. "get out of the way, you balding fuck!" you can almost hear them say, if you open your heart to their screams.

3:56 PM. the bald guy has more than gotten out of the way at this point, and the people are still screaming at the open bus door. they want bill! they won't take anything less than bill! the security guy shuts the door. but just before he finishes closing it, a guy starts walking down the stairs! he's way too young to be bill clinton! the ladies cut their screams off before they leave their throats. a lady follows the young guy down the stairs, and they both take their places amidst the anticipating horde. the balding guy opens the door back up again to go inside, and a single woman lets out a "woo!" that she just couldn't hold back. it was torturing her. maybe she believed it would accelerate the process. coax bill out of his vessel. no matter how you slice it, it was an unearned "woo!" and she shamed herself.

3:57 PM. the security guy opens the bus door, and a man entirely the wrong race pokes his head out of the doorway, speaking into his phone or his mic or whatever. he steps out, and then the young man and the woman both get back on the bus.

3:58 PM. by now, the jackson 5 song has been over for almost a whole minute. if bill walks out to smooth sailing by leon bridges, then this is going to suck complete and total shit. who even put this song in the playlist? it took all the energy out of the room. i don't like to get too emotional but god this song sucks fucking dick.

3:59 PM. is it smooth sailing? is it really?

4:00 PM. make the song stop.

4:01 PM. holy shit. mr brightside by the killers. yes. please yes. please god make bill walk out to this song. it's so perfect. i can't explain exactly how, but it would be a perfect moment that i would happen to catch on camera if it occured. like, it's impossible to explain without seeing it for yourself. now, i am convinced that this occurence is going to be a historic moment. one for people to remember, at least in my discord group chat. in this moment, i am one with the horde. the security guard opens the door. i'm cheering right alongside my sisters. "woo!" i say. "we want bill!" i think. and feel. slick willie has that effect on people, doesn't he? he makes them desire him. a guy walks into the bus and the security guard closes the door.

4:02 PM. suddenly, a figure materializes behind the bus door window. the security guard opens it. we're cheering! we're ready! give me bill or give me death! it's a woman. death. and some photographer guy. death.

4:03 PM. come on bill. the song is almost up. your chance to be a part of history is almost over.

4:04 PM. he missed it. the bastard missed it. my time in the horde is cut short. i am ashamed of my participation. they're playing a diana ross song now. i love diana ross' stuff with the supremes but i don't know this song. but that's beside the point. the horde is still hungry. the crowd aches to cheer. they would cheer for a mosquito at this point. their legs are tired. their fists ache from the vise grip they've been clutching the railing with. but still, they labour for their billoved.

4:05 PM. still nothing. the women are borderline frothing at the mouth at this point. every once in a while, one of them will give a "woo!" in the hopes that it will reach bill's ears through that impenetrable bus shell, but to no avail. he is beyond your voice, gretchen. wrap it up.

4:06 PM. you wonder why they brought the bus up if the preparation was gonna take this long. what's going on behind those harris-walz-brand windows? it had to have been unexpected. they knew what the sight of the bill clinton bus would do to people. they must have known, right? if bill wasn't prepared to step out then they should've kept the bus back where no one could see it. this is an outdoor venue. you can't just bring the bus to the location and keep it there with bill inside it and all eyes on it for this long. the people want to cheer for something. this is an event designed for people to cheer, and over 10 minutes have passed since someone last cheered for something. that's wrong. it's like being in a waveless ocean.

4:07 PM. the people realize some kind of joke is being played on them, by bill, by security, or by god. and yet, still, they hold their impulses prisoner to their discipline. a pact has been formed. not a moment of exclamation until bill himself steps off that goddamn bus. like chain against captive flesh. restrain. good. eager, yes. but hold. you will have your reward.

4:08 PM. the security guard opens the door, but the people have been trained. they know not to open their mouths until their food arrives. a young man steps off. following him, a man entirely the wrong race, once again, this time another politician. he walks out to the sound of diana ross' singing. bill walks out. the song abruptly and awkwardly changes to abc by the jackson 5 again. wait, bill walked out?

4:09 PM. if you could hear the scream that one lady made when bill first stepped off the bus. she was all the way at the back and the room was packed but i still jolted to see if someone was screaming right in my ear. the rest of the women followed suit. and then, the few men who were there. not me. my time had passed. this was their moment in the sun. the everblue vanguard. their trained mouths opened and they accepted their food.

the rest of the event was pretty boring. more stuff about why trump sucks and you should vote for harris. the guy who talked right before bill made an interesting point about how "harris will make an america where working class people don't just get by, but get ahead." my burning question is: "ahead of who?"

bill talks older than trump these days, even though he's a few months younger. his speech lasted for fucking ever and the people could never tell when to start clapping or cheering. one woman interrupted him to say "we miss you bill!" and everyone cheered. one woman interrupted him after to say "we love you bill!" everyone cheered harder. harder than they did at anything he had to say, which honestly wasn't much. he rambled back and forth the exact same way trump and biden do when they start sundowning.

the whole time, no one said anything about palestine. bill mentioned ukraine, but he didn't mention palestine or lebanon, both of whom are under invasion by israel. i asked bill after the show if he'd give some comment about palestine. he said "yes!" and then proceeded to give me a full minute of politician-babble of a lower caliber than the half-hour of rehearsed politician-babble he subjected us all to earlier, followed by a vague gesture at harris being able to get "it" done. "it" being the nebulous concept of peace in the middle east. something to be aimed for but never aimed very well because there's no point in trying. you'll never hit it so long as you're president.

at the same time this was all happening, 6,000 miles away, israel dropped another united states funded bomb on a north gaza building, killing at minimum 60 people, at least 25 of whom were kids.

OCT 23 2024: up late remembering that one engineering class i had back in 8th grade. we had to make a bridge out of popsicle sticks and it had to withstand 10 pounds of weight or some bullshit. but the teacher accidentally stepped on the bridge me and my friend were making! and he would not acknowledge it!

you bastard! what did my poor bridge do to you! fail me on the assignment, okay, but apologize for my goddamn bridge you fucker! it's your fault i'm poor and not an engineer right now! i'm not actually poor but i could be making 6 figures and you trampled on my dreams the day you trampled on that bridge! my ambitions were my whole life and they were shattered by your careless gait!

my only recourse after the Bridge of my Eternal Dreaming was destroyed was to get irreparably into anime. god, why did we decide to put that bridge on the floor?

maybe one day you will all forgive me for my anime videos.

JUL 22 2024: i made a 2nd channel. all the populars are doing it, so i will do it too. anytime i get an idea for something that is unworthy of the main channel, i will do it here.

as of right now, the only vid on it is me opening digimon cards. first trading cards ive opened since 2007 when i lived in egypt and my mom would get me yugioh cards as a gift when i got good grades. those yugioh cards were in arabic. they mightve been fake. if they were it doesn't matter. they were very cheap. yeah, thinking about it, they probably were fake because this shit is expensive as hell. a box of trading cards is more expensive than a video game. what kid would want this shit? you need a job to be invested in this stuff.

the kids at school would steal my yugioh cards. i never found the kid who stole it, but i got in a lot of fights with a lot of different guys and made a lot of enemies over it. you could think of me as a 3rd grader version of philip marlowe, trying to track down the villain in a world where all there is is villains. a corrupt world, where the teachers wouldn't help me and the principal would hit me with a ruler or a meterstick and the lunch lady would sell me bad pizza that made me vomit.

at that school if you were bad enough they'd make you go up the next morning during assembly in front of everyone and make you hold your hands out and smack your hands with a cane. the cane was super thin and would feel like it was cutting on your hands, but of course you wouldnt bleed. at least i didnt, idk if anyone else did. i cant believe it was allowed in the 21st century.

let that be a lesson to you. there is no justice in this world. if someone steals your yugioh cards, youre fucked. but that doesnt mean you take it lying down. if there is no justice then let us make justice. let us make it out of our trash that is left when all our cards are stolen and gone. better a real justice made of the things we know than a shining golden justice that we will never see.

anyways. this is the content era. you must content. content yourself with contenting. i didnt do this for the content, i got the digimon cards because im watching the cartoon right now and it's fun, and i love the way these animals look, and they apparently evolve into some crazy things. but i have been infected with the content virus. i got some things i wanted and the first thing i thought was of how to contentify it. at least now i have a record that i had these cards in case they get stolen too.

JUL 11 2024: just listened to the demo version of holiday by the get up kids for the first time. it's very surreal to listen to a demo version of a song you know inside out. not the same as listening to a live version. a demo version, especially if all youve ever heard was the normal version, constantly betrays you. or maybe it outsmarts you. you thought you were ahead of the curve and now you've been knocked down by some fucking dusty ass rock some guys found in the attic. it's an amazing feeling.

idk if they released this version of the song before. i only ever heard the album version. that whole album is one of the most soul-twisting musical experiences ever. i love to return to it when im feeling happy but not maximum happy. when im on an upwards trajectory. the promise of happiness to come. or when im playing pokemon. i think their music would fit a pokemon ost very well.

my summer was ruined by things outside my control. i feel guilty for not being as happy as i should. i did everything to be happy. and yet my brain cannot evade this persistent feeling of confusion and helplessness. and doubt as well. so much that i thought i knew about myself and my abilities, and all that has been called into question the instant i started trying to do something different. a light breath toppled my castle of cards. as if i wrote the secret formula of myself on the mirror of my mind in red lipstick and someone (not me) smeared it with their hand from top to bottom, separating left from right in a way that i do not know how to bridge anymore. but i have to be cut out for it. if im not, then i die. "i've never forgotten all our yesterdays." hahaha

JUN 13 2024: i feel like im suffocating these days. my legs are too sore. i know i wont have time in all my life to do all the things i want to do. jayson tatum looks like he's gonna beat out jaylen brown for the finals mvp even though he doesnt deserve it, and nba conversations for the rest of eternity will never recover. the dbz game i picked up kinda sucks (attack of the saiyans. if only it had better soundtrack and better writing. who tf wants to go over the same story we already watched and read a thousand times but now in a shittier format).

the only good thing in my life right now is listening to wham. rip george michaels. one time i was getting popeyes in abu dhabi and me and my friends were talking about you in front of the cashier and she said "george michaels is a faggot." i laughed at the time, but i was young and foolish and instantly felt guilty, for you were and still are the champion of all that is good in life and music. i know nothing about your personal life at all but i say this regardless. also much love to that other guy who was in wham too. wouldnt have been wham without you broski.

APR 22 2024: im trying to stay off social media but i keep seeing posts from people who play dnd regularly. i have always wanted to play it so bad but i never got to. in quarantine me and my friends were supposed to have a campaign together and i made a character who was an old orc man with a name that i later learned is an antisemitic slur. the campaign fell through for reasons completely unrelated to the name and i still haven't had a chance to use that character yet. i remember rolling for his stats and getting so many 1s and 2s in a row that he's basically a useless sack of shit. i changed his name since then. he's still sitting in a coma in my nightstand until his adventure comes. and no one ever got to see the penis i gave him.

in the meantime i've been reading those old dnd books. the very old ones from like the 70s and 80s and shit. classic stuff. id love to go on one of these campaigns. i love the big eyeball guys. witnessers or whatever the fuck. i wanna have the experience of this truly imaginative gameplay but it evades me.

MAR 8 2024: i was doomed from the age of 3. maybe 4. i can't remember exactly how old i was. all i remember was the orange gi, the spiky hair, the cream yellow nimbus cutting across the blue television sky, watching the first sunset of my life with my father on the corniche and learning that the sun really does move, blue wristbands, the taste of peach danone thick on my tongue, yamcha's battle scars, mcdonalds fries, cha la head cha la, and the real life almost-television-blue moroccan sky that i kept a close eye on just in case the yellow nimbus crossed over.

something happened to me that summer in morocco. i wasn't a real person. then i watched dragon ball, and all of a sudden, i was. every action i have taken in my life since then has been in service of dragon ball, the thing that gave me sentience. i've gone down some wrong paths, but i have always found my way back out.

many things from your childhood grow and change with you. for me, that has been stuff like spongebob, which i have found new appreciation for in adulthood. avatar, which i don't really care as much about anymore. power rangers, which is almost impossible for me to watch now, but which i still appreciate from a distance. not dragon ball. never dragon ball. it is the one thing that refuses to change, whether i want it to or not. no matter how old i am, when i sit down in front of the screen to watch anything from dragon ball, dragon ball z, or even sometimes dragon ball gt. whether it's in english, arabic, japanese, or french. whether it's the kikuchi score or the faulconer score. it never grows with me. rather, it turns me into a child. every time, without fail.

when i'm not watching dragon ball, i find it easy to criticize. "what about this plot hole?" "what about this contrivance?" "why is this part paced like this?" "the animation in this episode so janky!" but dragon ball has an immunity. a power that takes hold of me whenever i am once again entranced by its majesty. all criticism turns to dust. no matter how long the goku vs frieza fight is, i watch it unabridged. every single time. "why is this part paced like this?" because it must be. it justifies itself. this is a fight between one of the final members of a genocided race and the orchestrator of the genocide. it would be an insult to reduce it to a two episode ordeal.

sometimes i worry about the power dragon ball has over me. certainly, there is an argument that it holds me back. that this unbreakable tether keeps me from properly moving on into adulthood. i was ruined from childhood when dragon ball became not just my reason for life, but my life. maybe there is some scientific explanation. that i "imprinted" on something i perceived to be a third parent. what does it matter? no woman i have ever made love to has ever inspired in my heart the ecstasy i feel when i hear the dragon ball movie guitar track. no sunset i have witnessed has ever shaken the bedrock of my soul as the sunset on the moroccan atlantic.

now, i am a "writer". who doesn't write? we are all writers. no. i am a man on a mission. a mission encoded into my being when i was 3 or 4 years old. i have to make art. the art doesn't have to be popular, it just needs to have the potential. the potential to hypnotize a child and breathe life into them the way life was breathed into me 2 decades ago. i am, essentially, on a God-given mission to ruin a child's life the way my life was ruined. and maybe, to ruin some adults' lives too. is that an honourable goal? on the surface, it seems that i just want to make a fun story that children will love. but what i want is more than that. i want people out there to feel what i feel. to be moved to tears at the sight of a yellow cloud or the taste of a peach yogurt drink. to be brought to their knees at the sound of an ambient synthesizer or an ocean wave.

that's not to say i only make art for kids, or that i wanna tap into the manchild market. rather, i want to make manchildren out of men. i want to pass on the spirit. the breath. the word. of course, i also want desperately to communicate with other adults on a genuine level. to be on the same level as them. and i'll keep on trying. but deep down, in the soul that i was gifted by akira toriyama, i know that my sunset won't ever end.

JAN 23 2024: i was so happy to be almost finished with my research when i discovered a 500 page sociology book and a 43 volume manga to add to the list of things i have to read. the sociology book i have to read the entirety of, that's not even a question. the 43 volume manga, idk. i might have to drop that at some point but i dont know where to drop it. why was this the one that had to be fully translated? meanwhile we don't even have a single chapter of ****** *******. thank god i got both snake skins in just an hour and a half so i can put fortnite down for the rest of the season and just grind this video out. really hoping for a february release. if it reaches march i might just lash myself with one of those blade whips the shias use.

DEC 23 2023: who else was up at 3:00 AM EST on this day? i will probably be up for 2 or 3 hours more. you know that feeling when youre vacuuming your room and everytime you think "im just gonna do this part and it's gonna take 5 minutes" but you end up vacuuming everything anyways and it takes 30 minutes? that is the feeling of researching for this vid. every time i think i wrapped up a section i find some new shit to learn about and i always get scared im gonna miss something if i dont read it thoroughly front to back. already the things i have left unfinished haunt me. what if i miss out on a crucial piece of information? it's like the fomo i get from a fortnite battle pass. this was the first battle pass i got since the one with doom guy, and i did it all for snake. peter is cool but i want snake and i want the 2nd snake skin to be old snake from mgs4. and i want them to add raiden sometime. why did fortnite have to make the game so much better when im so close to wrapping up this project? i wanna move on and work on other things i have planned but i love this subject im researching and i wanna spend time on it to do it justice.

also, honestly im not married to the idea of a chatroom in my website i just need to think of something better to put in its place for the time being.

DEC 8 2023: why did i put a chatroom here despite i have no audience? i miss chatango. it used to be on every anime site. great way to get to know weirdos.

anyways i put out my book today. mark december 8 2023 as the day i released my first novel. it's very messy. if i were to do it all over again right now, i would focus it a lot more. but then it wouldn't be the amateurish juvenile story that i love so much. and also i already scrapped and rewrote it 4 times and i just wanted to move on. the version i started writing in january 2021 is so different and so bad. im so happy i managed to rescue something out of the slop i was churning out back then. i can't believe it took me 2 years to put it out. i really thought i would've finished so many more books by now. there is so much to do and we have so little time.

NOV 27 2023: hola. i called myself saint deleter because i wanted an author name with 2 names. if youre reading this deep into the future then perhaps you have scrolled way way way down. i think it's cool to have an author name that's basically just a username. it attracts attention. it's new. on the edge. it fits my flashy personality. maybe one day i'll find the confidence to wear that cool looking jacket i spent $20 on.