The Ballad of Fink Figler (2024)

On Wednesday, Fink Figler learned he had a dire condition. He gets bigger everytime he gets hit by a car! 

Like, to clarify, I don’t mean in a sexually suggestive way. He is very much not attracted to getting hit by cars. He hates it actually. But his entire body increases in size whenever a car hits him hard enough. 

He learned of this affliction on Wednesday, as I said earlier, which is when he got hit by a car for the first time in his life. He was 5’7” when he started crossing the intersection and he was 6’2” when he was wheeled out of the hospital (they measured him when he was lying down because his records said he was only 5’7”. The doctors had a very tough time with this.)

The careless nurse who wheeled him out made him grow some more by letting go of the handles on his wheelchair. This made him wheel into the parking lot road and get hit by a car that was going honestly way too fast for a hospital parking lot.

So the careless nurse ran over and wheeled him back into the hospital, and his feet were dragging on the floor because he was now 6’7”. Maybe he could have tried to play in the NBA if he wasn’t so disabled from getting hit by cars all day, and if he wasn’t 73 years old.

When his wife drove him home, she ran a red light on accident because she was so old, and Fink got hit by two cars this time. So the ambulance came, and the paramedics had to fold him into the back of the ambulance because he was 9 feet tall.

That’s the last time Fink got hit by any cars on that day. He had a good week of not getting hit by cars, and he made it back home the next Wednesday when his brother-in-law strapped him into the back of his pickup truck. 

Alas, Fink’s house was too small for him because it was an honestly pretty shitty place built in the 1920s by a 5’5” Dutch immigrant who didn’t know what the “fuck” he was doing.

So Fink’s brother-in-law started driving him to his own house, which was a lot bigger and better and more expensive because he bought it working a real job at the warehouse instead of the “idiot” job Fink had, which was shining people’s shoes at the airport. I don’t think it’s that bad of a job but Fink’s wife’s family hates it.

The road to Fink’s brother-in-law’s house used the freeway, and Fink was already traumatized by getting hit by so many cars that he started crying.

The crying made Fink’s brother-in-law mad, and he started focusing more on yelling at the 9-foot-tall guy in the back of his pickup truck than he did on the road. Fink’s brother-in-law was an expert at yelling at Fink and getting Fink to cry. Maybe even more than he was an expert at moving boxes at the warehouse.

And so a pileup happened. And Fink’s brother-in-law (Richard was his name, I will call him Richard from now on) died. And Fink became 25 feet tall. And he was proportionally just as wide. Like, if you looked at him from very far away, he would look the shape of a normal guy. 

The emergency response vehicles (ambulances, fire trucks, and some cop cars, to name a few) came to respond emergently. Fink Figler, however, was still crying because he was remembering the harsh words that Richard screamed at him when the pileup happened. And because he was so big, his crying was also big, so he was very loud and his tears were giant. 

So all the emergency response vehicles slipped on the wet road and crashed into him, and he became 50 feet tall. 

At this point, the guy was simply too big and too sad to be carried by helicopters anywhere. And in fact, the helicopters that tried it the first time broke and crashed into him and turned him 80 feet tall. So they had to leave him covering the whole freeway, and that made him sadder. 

His wife came to hug his ear and talk into it to let him know that their granddaughter got Dean’s List in college, and she brought one of those casseroles to feed him, one of the ones where she basically just takes whatever is about to go bad in the fridge and puts it in the oven. It doesn’t taste that bad, actually.

An 80-foot-tall guy gets pretty hungry though, so even if Fink’s wife made a hundred of those casseroles, it wouldn’t have mattered. The government debated if they should feed him a farm every day to keep him alive, but they took too long and he died. Fink should not have been sad, though. He died with one of the biggest penises in the world. It was “Top 7” at least, according to my research.

The story doesn’t end there, though. Fink Figler’s body didn’t turn into a skeleton, and it was still on the freeway and no one knew how to move it. And in the meantime, there were a lot of people who wanted to use the freeway, like truck drivers carrying things from warehouses like the one Richard used to work at before he died.

So the government said: “Cut up Fink Figler’s body and take it away!”

And so everybody got to work on that. But it didn’t work at all because an 80-foot-tall guy has very thick skin that is hard to cut, and he was dead so he was extra hard all over, and so the government determined that it would cost a lot of money to cut Fink Figler up.

So the government said: “Build roads on top of Fink Figler!” 

And so everybody got to work on that. But there was a big surprise! It turns out that Fink’s condition doesn’t care if he’s alive or dead. So if a car crash happens on top of his dead body, he still grows. And so even though they made the speed limit 20 mph at Fink’s body, people still crashed their cars on top of it, and this made it grow a lot, because there were so many cars bumping into each other on top of him.

So Fink’s body became 200 feet tall, and his arms and legs covered other roads that other cars were on, and those cars’ drivers didn’t know how to deal with it when giant hands and feet showed up in the middle of the road.

So Fink’s body kept growing. And the government said: “Stop all the roads!”

And so everybody got to work on that. And all the roads around Fink’s body stopped. By the time that happened, Fink’s body became 750 feet tall. 

The government thought really hard about how to get transportation back without making Fink’s body grow even more. Eventually the government made a decision and said: “Make a railroad! And make it go fast!”

And so everybody got to work on that. And the railroad was a success. So they made some more of them. And Fink’s body didn’t grow for ten years. And the city (Which was called Freakany. It’s an important city. Don’t get angry at me if you don’t know it.) became better because everybody stopped dying in car accidents. And kids could go hang out in other cities because they didn’t need to learn how to drive. And things were way faster. A lot of truck drivers lost their jobs, but they got new ones building railroads on top of Fink Figler’s body.

You would think everybody would copy the town of Freakany, but no. All the car companies and plane companies and gas companies hated Freakany because it made them no money anymore. And all their plans to dissolve Fink Figler in acid failed. And all their plans to make him decompose and become gross also failed. He just stayed the same the whole time.

The car companies and plane companies and gas companies went to the government to complain. The government said: “I understand! But there probably won’t be any Fink Figlers ever again! So you won’t have to worry! Forget about Freakany!”

But who was listening at the door? Fink Figler’s granddaughter: The scientist Dr. Shahamad, who got Dean’s List in college earlier, and who loved her grandpa very much and wanted to be just like him. 

She heard everything and ran to Fink Figler’s body. Well actually, she ran to the train station next to his body, and then she took samples of his DNA. How did she do it, when his skin is so tough? She’s a scientist. She figured it out.

And so Dr. Shahamad assembled a team of scientist heroes. They called themselves the Heroic Scientists. That was their group name. They all injected themselves with Fink Figler’s DNA and ran to all the big cities in the world and threw themselves in traffic to get hit by cars.

They got bigger, but not as big as Fink Figler got, so they all just went to the NBA instead, and Dr. Shahamad became the first woman in the NBA. Every team wanted her because after getting hit by 30 cars, she was 10 feet tall, and she played basketball in college so she had handles and could shoot from three-point range.

The Heroic Scientists all averaged a quintuple-double in their rookie seasons and used their platform to encourage public transportation, but because they all flew on private jets to get to games, nobody gave a “shit”.

Eventually, the car companies and plane companies and gas companies tried to kill the Heroic Scientists because they were afraid of their genetic condition becoming like Fink Figler, so they sabotaged the private jets.

But the jets all fell on big highways and they each grew to 1,000 feet tall, and so the railroads became the way. The car and plane and gas companies tried to buy the rights to build private railroads on their bodies to make a profit but a guy came and axe murdered them all.